Friendship has always been somewhat of a struggle for me. As a child, I remember coming home from Wednesday night church, laying across my mom’s lap on her bed, and crying over what I felt like was a lack of friendship. This was a regular occurrence, but looking back, I can see the opportunities that were there that I was not brave enough to seize. The girls that I did surround myself with seemed to, in my mind, always talk about their better friends from their school. I stood silent while other girls were teased or pushed out of the circle that I was in. I seemed to find myself always attaching to someone with a dominant personality, and hiding behind something that I coveted. I wanted the type of friendship that I saw in the movies. A fairytale. My heart ached for it, but I had no idea how to achieve it. As I grew into adulthood, I found myself frustrated over the same problems. I was surrounded by people who were best friends with each other, and often felt like the third wheel. I couldn’t quite figure out who I was because I always measured myself up against the people that I envied. “Maybe, if I could be more like her”, I thought. Opportunities for friendship would ring the doorbell of my heart. They came guised as college roommates or small group members. Somehow, every time, these opportunities were sabotaged by my own overthinking and carefulness. “What is wrong with me?!” I would ask God time and time again as I begged for a friendship that would peel me back and stick close despite the brokenness revealed. Eventually, He did.
God offered to me the friendship of a lifetime. We led a discipleship group together and had coffee dates together. We fought and hated each other, and forgave and cried with each other. God used this friend to peel back the layers of protection that I had wielded around me, and she stuck by me even when what she found wasn’t very pretty. She was a gift from the Father to me. An answer to prayer. But I still had myself to deal with. I still coveted the other friendships that my dear friend had. I still dealt with comparison, feeling like I wasn’t on par with them.
Since that time, I have kept my friendship with her over long distances and busy schedules. She was my maid of honor when I married another gift from Heaven. I’ve had children. I’ve gained new friendships. Through it all, I’ve learned something incredible. The thing that I want most cannot be found in any of these relationships, and these relationships become possible when I rely on Him. All along, I had the very thing that I wanted, and I looked right past Him searching for the gifts that He was bringing to me.
12 This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. 13 There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. 14 You are my friends if you do what I command. 15 I no longer call you slaves, because a master doesn’t confide in his slaves. Now you are my friends, since I have told you everything the Father told me. 16 You didn’t choose me. I chose you. I appointed you to go and produce lasting fruit, so that the Father will give you whatever you ask for, using my name.17 This is my command: Love each other.
John 15:12-17
Here is one thing that I had terribly wrong. I was waiting for someone to love me before I loved them. How selfish, right?! Isn’t that true of most of us, though? I have heard story after story of someone who didn’t feel loved because nobody went to their pew in the back to say hello. Oftentimes, these same people arrive after service starts and leave before it ends. If I ask them if they have gotten up to go say hello to someone, they deflect with something about how awkward they are or don’t actually want to talk to anyone. We expect to receive in abundance what we aren’t willing to give ourselves. That example is of a church service, but this is a reality in many other life situations. In our marriage, in our family, in our friendships, in our work, even at the grocery store. We expect to receive regardless of our own efforts. This is why we see so many broken and destroyed relationships.
Love is not about what we get in return. Love is about giving ourselves to someone else even if it means the death of us, disregarding what we get in return. In fact, that is exactly what Jesus did.
But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.
Romans 5:8
For since our friendship with God was restored by the death of his Son while we were still his enemies, we will certainly be saved through the life of his Son.
Romans 5:10
While we were still His enemies, Jesus Christ died for us. He died to pay the price that we couldn’t pay ourselves to restore friendship between us and Him. He gave up His throne to become a human being. He gave up His power to walk with fishermen. He gave up His home to seek those who needed hope. He gave up His sleep to calm the storm. He gave up His alone time to teach the masses. He gave up His life to spare ours. He gave up everything that He could, so that we could have a hand of friendship extended to us. THIS is the kind of friendship that I want!
Before we don our “Jesus is my friend” t-shirts, let me point out the stipulation. Yes! Friendship comes with a price. We have to act.
14 You are my friends if you do what I command.
John 15:14
He has done everything possible to keep us from Hell and extend a hand of friendship to us, but there is something that we must also do. We must do what He commands. What is it that He commands? In verse 12, He says that we must love others like He has loved us. This is not the commandment that replaces all other commands. Rather, much of the law hangs on this. Think about it. Are you going to steal from someone that you love enough to die for? Are you going to murder someone whom you love? Are you going to cheat the person whom you love? Much of the law deals with moving our eyes from ourselves and onto God. When we see nothing but the majesty of Christ, He then makes Himself into a lens through which to see the world. We keep our eyes on Him, but suddenly, we are seeing others for who they really are for the first time. Instead of demanding to be served by them, we want to extend ourselves to them, doing everything that we can to point them to Christ. When we do this, we will find ourselves surrounded by an army of friends. When you see them, you will only hope that they are staring at the same great light that you are. None of them will measure up to the friendship that you have with Jesus Christ.
You are chosen. You are appointed. GO and make lasting fruit.
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